What She Meant To You
by jls62113
Summary: Rick and Michonne finally have a conversation about Jessie.


**What She Meant To You**

Rick and Michonne spent several days playing quiet time tag with each other, and not able to find the time to be together, alone. Outside of their home, plans had finally gone underway to clear out the personal items from the Anderson's home. As Michonne passed by, she stopped for a moment watching a crew of people clearing things out, no doubt to be given to the saviors. She drew in a ragged breath letting her mind drift to a subject she kept to herself from the time Rick showed interest in Jessie until now. Her feelings for Rick started developing long before they arrived in Alexandria, but she had to keep them at bay due to the fact Rick was not ready for a serious relationship. There was something in his life that wasn't settled, something he needed to resolve for himself apart from her. Apart from her because she understood her influence on him, and she didn't want him because she could get him. He had to find her on his own.

Michonne had to mentally shake herself in order to get her mind off what Rick felt for Jessie, and focus on how to approach this subject with him. She turned abruptly and headed for home.

Thankfully, Rick was not there when she arrived, so she headed upstairs for a shower, and then to the Miller's to pick up Judith. After she dressed she went downstairs and heard Judith cooing as Rick talked to her.

"Hey." Michonne said walking into the living room. I didn't expect you so early.

"I know. I really hadn't seen you in a while, and thought you might want to sit in our favorite corner and talk."

Michonne smiled pleasantly as she was thinking practically the same thing. They had one spot in their large house where they would sit and talk or not.

Once the children were taken care of, Rick met Michonne in the uppermost part of the house without going outside; the attic. It was a small room at the back of the house with the back wall being entirely made of glass. In this room was an oversized couch, lamp and bookcase. Rick sat down on the couch, and Michonne joined him on the couch sitting a short distance from him. Usually she sat right next to him, and this did not go unnoticed by him. He looked at her and then out at the view just over the wall.

"What is it?" He asked.

"What?"

"Michonne. Something is bugging you and when you're this quiet, and sitting that far from me, I know it must be about me. What is it?"

"Jessie. I want to know what she meant to you."

"Why?" Rick asked as gently as he could. "It's been months. Why now?"

"It's taken me this long to figure out how to bring her up. I really wasn't sure how you felt. I need to know Rick. You nearly got exiled from Alexandria behind her. What were you thinking?"

"Do you doubt how I feel about you?"

"No Rick I don't. I was passing by her house today and they were clearing it out. As I was standing there, I thought about what if you hadn't killed Pete, and he was exiled, would you be living in that house with her, her sons, Carl and Judith or would they all be here."

"I really don't think it would have gone past Pete getting exiled. I wasn't blind to the fact that her sons, at least Ron blamed me for what happened."

"But you still tried."

"Because that's who I am Michonne." He said quietly. "You know that."

He sat quiet for a moment to get his thoughts together.

"All this time up until being with you, I lived the way I was raised, the best way I could, based on how things used to be. My father made sure I understood my role as a man."

Rick got up from the couch and walked to the window.

"Protector, provider." Michonne said looking out the window.

"Even back then it wasn't easy for a lot of people, with domestic violence ruining families and women having to take care of themselves as well as their children alone. You commit and you stay no matter what. He actually said women were weaker than men and needed to be taken care of. Meeting you he would have to eat his words. After the outbreak I was rudely awakened to the fact that I couldn't protect or provide for anyone in this world. I couldn't protect or provide for my own wife."

Michonne got up also and stood by Rick at the window.

"It's not easy talking to my woman about another woman." He said turning to face her.

"I wasn't your woman then, so it should be easy." She said flatly.

He looked in her eyes and knew she needed this conversation. She was immovable. Anything she needed he would give her.

"When we came here, and I met Jessie. I saw her as a second chance to redeem myself from my failure with Lori, and I could live up to what I had been taught, despite the fact that in this world those standards no longer apply. The rules I lived by needed to change. Damsels in distress can't survive here should be at the top of the list."

"Is that how you saw her, as a damsel in distress?"

"In the back of my mind, yes I did."

"Did you sleep with her?"

He looked directly in her eyes. He was a little saddened by the fact she didn't know the answer.

Michonne looked down to avoid his gaze. She felt wrong for asking him that.

"I know you didn't." She said before he could answer.

"Did I want to would be your next question?"

Her eyes shot to his reminding him of when they first met.

She returned her gaze back to the floor and she folded her arms.

"Yes."

"I'm a man Michonne, of course I wanted to sleep with her, but fortunately there came a test for me. The walker herd. I was aware of how I was with her. Every time I looked at her it was if the words 'I'm sorry' was at the beginning of every look, every sentence. 'I'm sorry I can't make this herd go away, I'm sorry your husband abuses you, I'm sorry I can't get your sons to understand the danger, I'm sorry we have to wear walker guts to survive.' That's not what I wanted, and certainly not what I needed in my life. We never could have been a family. Not like the four of us are. I had to go through that Michonne. I had to see that old way die so that I could see you."

"What do you see when you look at me Rick?"

Rick wasn't sure where Michonne was going with this, but he was getting an idea.

"I see an amazing woman. A woman I'm in love with and respect enough to die for, but that's not what this is about is it?"

Michonne was at a loss. What she was thinking and how she was feeling was ridiculous and petty.

"How did she make you feel?"

"Like she needed me to fix what was wrong. I had been doing exactly that for so long, it felt like the natural thing to do."

"How do I make you feel?"

He looked at her, put off by that question. She knew all too well.

"Humor me please."

"You make me feel like I've always wanted to feel with a woman. Like a man capable of satisfying a woman beyond what she's ever known before. I can love you without feeling that maybe I'm not loving you enough. You let me do what I need to do without feeling guilty, and you don't need me, you want me."

She stood there with her arms folded and looking at the floor.

"I've never been in love like this before." She said shaking. "I'm sorry, but I had to hear these things from you. I do know how you feel about me and how I make you feel, but the thoughts that have crossed my mind have no place in our feelings for each other, but they kept eating away at me. I was on pins and needles wondering if I would still have the same relationship with Carl, and you."

"You think that would have changed?"

"If you had chemistry with another woman like you and I have, yeah, it would have changed."

Rick had to agree with that. Their chemistry is palpable.

"Do you think me being with Jessie would have lasted?"

"For a while, yes. Because you would have tried. That's who you are, and she was used to being in a relationship that didn't work."

Rick took in a deep breath and put his arms around her.

"I don't want to do this 'what if' anymore. I realize you have to put some things moving around in your mind to rest. So do I, but this was settled for me the moment I stopped simply surviving, and started living, with you, and I don't have to convince you how much I love you, we live it every day. Do you agree with that?"

"Yes."

"I'd like to think that somewhere, at some time before things went any further with Jessie, I would realize the mistake I was making and stopped it." He looked at Michonne's reaction.

"I don't know." She said. "I understand you wanted what used to be, but didn't it occur to you that she wouldn't have survived? You would have been mourning her death or you would have gotten yourself killed protecting her and her sons."

There it was. The reason for her concern.

"I guess I was obsessed with making myself feel better about my failure. Of course I saw that she couldn't survive, but I wanted her to try. Not because I was in love with her, because I wasn't, but I surely didn't want her to die."

He turned from Michonne and looked out the window.

"I would have gotten myself killed trying to protect her and her sons."

"That's who you are Rick. You try to save people, but no one can correct your past. You simply have to move on from it."

They stood there in silence for a few moments. He reached out and took her hand and held it.

"Thank you." She said in a whisper.

"For what?"

"For being the man I love, and answering questions to my insecurities."

"Do you still have insecurities where we're concerned?"

"No. I am secure in that."

"Anytime you want to ask me something, go ahead and do it. You know I don't bite, hard."

She laughed and put her arms around him while he lowered her down onto the couch.


End file.
